The door to the room opens and the thick tobacco smoke is visible in the doorway. The room looks old, with an old table in the middle and five card players, anachronistically-dressed, sitting around it playing a game Homer recognizes as Pharaoh, the 17th Century French Gambling Game.
The LIBERTARIAN, a man with a patch on one eye dressed in a studded leather pirate gear who appears like a turn-of-the-century businessman, has two very attractive women, SAGE and LONDON, leaning over each shoulder. He stands at the Banker's spot at the card table and he is the first to look up and see Homer.
LIBERTARIAN
Oh good, fresh meat. We'll bring you in on the next hand, if you like.
Plato, middle-aged and wearing a Greek toga, looks up briefly.
PLATO
At least he travels without an entourage.
LIBERTARIAN
Meaning what?
PLATO
Look to yourself for the answer. Meditate on it.
LIBERTARIAN
Plato, I meditate by counting the gold you owe me. If you have
Plato, I meditate by counting the gold you owe me. If you have
something to say, come out and say it, buddy. We're all gentlemen, are we not?
ARISTOTLE, dressed similarly to Plato but a few years younger, shakes his head wistfully.
ARISTOTLE
I'm with Plato! Look, banker, you've taken it all, we have no coins left but our homes and our women.
DESCARTES, wearing a black frock with oversized white collar, stands and beckons for Homer to come further into the room.
DESCARTES
You must forgive my associates, Monsieur, they are not entirely civilized. Do you wish to join the game?
Homer shakes his head, still a little stunned. The Bartender leads him to a chair near the table.
BARTENDER
Gentlemen, this is Homer. I think he'll just be observing for tonight.
LIBERTARIAN
A shame. Who knows. It could have been your lucky night. Sage, take the gentleman's coat.
LIBERTARIAN
You're sure you won't test your skill and luck against us?
HOMER
No, thank you.
CONFUCIUS, a small Asian man in flowing robes with a wispy white beard, looks up from his intense study of the game board for the first time.
CONFUCIUS
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.
There is a long pause in which everyone looks at Confucius.
LIBERTARIAN
Wealth earned from the will of your winnings! That, Confucius, is success, and a man's total potential.
CONFUCIUS
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.
SHAKESPEARE, complete with Elizabethan garb and neck ruffles, raps his fingers on the table impatiently.
SHAKESPEARE
Gentlemen, if you don't mind, I do have plays to pen.
Aristotle snorts.
ARISTOTLE
Plays? What you write aren't plays. Where's the chorus?
SHAKESPEARE
If the dialogue is lyrical and true, there is no need for a chorus.
PLATO
The chorus is the voice of God. What purpose is there in creating a play if not to create a vision of God?
LIBERTARIAN
You're crazy. There is no God.
DESCARTES
Yes there is, I've proven it.
All turn in unison to Descartes.
ALL
Shut up, Descartes!
DESCARTES
Barbarians.
SHAKESPEARE
Back to the original point, in a proper play, God is represented in every line of dialogue, every stage direction. It is God who moves the hand of the writer and stirs his soul.
Plato seizes the moment to begin an oratory, pacing around the room excitedly.
PLATO
Let us construct a play for the glory of God and the human condition.
ARISTOTLE
Now, it begins...
PLATO
We have all the elements represented here. Wealth, poverty, wisdom, virtue, youth, age and the desire for knowledge. Homer, you shall be our hero. What is your ethos?
HOMER
What?
PLATO
What is it that you need? What monster will you slay, what mountain will you climb, what glorious and dangerous journey will you set sail on.
ARISTOTLE
He obviously lacks wealth--his quest should be to acquire it.
CONFUCIUS
But what if wealth has no interest to him?
PLATO
Does it?
Homer shrugs.
HOMER
I suppose.
PLATO
It's settled, then. Homer pursues wealth. What is against him?
DESCARTES
The elusive nature of wealth itself is against him.
SHAKESPEARE
But an elusive nature is not a villain. A play needs a villain.
CONFUCIUS
Wherever there is wealth, there are those who hide in the shadows of thievery.
ARISTOTLE
True enough.
PLATO
A thief. Brilliant. And who will help him on his adventure?
LIBERTARIAN
Why does he need help? Can't someone go out and accomplish something purely on their own skill?
DESCARTES
Maybe the only help he needs is divine help.
PLATO
Exactly! And God is represented by?
ARISTOTLE
The chorus!
PLATO
You always were my favorite, Aristotle.
SHAKESPEARE
Amateurs. You couldn't write a play if I spotted you two acts and a comedian.
LIBERTARIAN
Is there any chance we could play cards at some point this evening?
Shakespeare turns back to the game table.
SHAKESPEARE
Quite right.
LIBERTARIAN
Shakespeare, you're in for two gold coins on the seven, Plato, your home on the four, Confucius, one concubine on the ace--my choice, and Descartes and Aristotle, you are not in on this turn, correct?
DESCARTES
Wait...I wager 1,000 acres of land in France. The Divine Property.
PLATO
Is not everything divine property?
DESCARTES
But not all have been consecrated by unicorns that roam the green pastures.
But not all have been consecrated by unicorns that roam the green pastures.
LIBERTARIAN
I've always wanted a little place to call home. Now I have chance to win a 1,000 acres of fairyland, I can make much use of. Which card do you want?
Descartes looks to Homer.
DESCARTES
Perhaps our newcomer would like to choose.
HOMER
Eight.
DESCARTES
Interesting. Why?
HOMER
There are eight of us in the room.
ARISTOTLE
If I were to leave, then would your bet become false?
HOMER
No. I was asked when there were eight in the room. Whatever happens after that doesn't matter.
PLATO
But surely it matters more what the conditions of the room are when card is drawn, not when the number is chosen.
LIBERTARIAN
It's superstitious nonsense, anyway. The number of people in the room has nothing to do with the card drawn.
ARISTOTLE
You seem awfully sure of yourself. What then, does determine the order of the draw.
LIBERTARIAN
Mathematical probability.
Descartes laughs.
DESCARTES
Any "probability" is no more sound than superstition. Homer determined that there are eight of us in the room, an empirical fact on which a decision can be based.
LIBERTARIAN
But I know that there is only one eight left in the deck, with multiples of several other cards. You have less chance of winning with a eight.
SHAKESPEARE
Less chance of losing, too. It is less likely to end up as the bankers card.
ARISTOTLE
The point is that in a true game of chance, there is little that we can do to affect the outcome. If, however, we believe in divine influence...
PLATO
Then we call upon that which is divine in ourselves to create the result we desire, as Homer did in choosing the eight.
SHAKESPEARE
Gentlemen, I respect your logic sincerely, but I have to believe that God has more important issues to deal with than our private gamble.
DESCARTES
We shall see.
Homer takes out his notepad, writing down the numbers 27, 41 and 8.
CONFUCIUS
I do not believe I agreed to let you choose.
LIBERTARIAN
What?
CONFUCIUS
My concubine. I did not say you could choose.
LIBERTARIAN
It was implied.
ARISTOTLE
We've met your concubines, Confucius, and none of us are taking the one with the cleft palate and club foot off your hands.
CONFUCIUS
She is an excellent cook.
LIBERTARIAN
I do not eat Chinese.
Descartes stifles a laugh at this point, causing the Libertarian, Shakespeare and even Homer to smile. The ladies GIGGLE.
SHAKESPEARE
As a wordsmith, I suppose I could not have phrased that better.
The Libertarian withdraws two cards from the "Shoe".
LIBERTARIAN
Banker draws the ace, player draws...eight. It appears I lose on both counts.
They all laugh.
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